Pokes Head Out of Hole
Well hello there world, been a long time since I have seen you. Don’t worry, I know it is me and not you, but some events in Sept caused me to crawl deep in my hole and stay away from anything that required too much thought. In fact if I could have figured out a way to just stay in bed all day every day I would have, but work requires you to work (or you don’t have a job anymore) and the pups require their walks, their food, and their escort to school each day.
I haven’t had much motivation to write and in fairness because of my hiding ways I have had little to write about. My BFF did come from Florida and we did fun things, but even then because of having to be in SA for the Crazy Lady I had to work more than I anticipated so iif you believe her she was more than happy to sit home and do nothing. A luxury she does not get while at her own home.
We did manage to get out a bit and have fun, but again after she left I went back to my hole and just didn’t feel like writing about our fun. The Old Man returned safely from his Mongolia trip with so many stories and a new group of friends we can go visit in Europe. From the pictures that the other adventures took it was truly an amazing place to spend 2 weeks and I am so glad I did not go because there was way too many horse climbs up the side of mountains.
The Old Man even managed a quick 24 hour trip down to Tampa for a quick boys weekend and a dose of humid air. I stayed home to take care of the pups as the trip was planned with little to no notice so the pups had nowhere to go if I went. I was ok with it. It was good to have the weekend home alone to get the stuff I thought I was going to get done in Sept.
The alone time while great for my errands and apartment cleanliness was a little rough on my mental state. I had a bit of time to glance back at my behavior the last few weeks and realize that I have been hiding and possibly suffering a bit of my good old friend depression.
Normally when my friend rears his ugly little head, I note and start to work on some skills given to me by a professional in my youth when depression took over way more than it should have. First step realize that the stupid little friend is taking up more and more space in my head, second step start researching finding someone to talk about it with to make sure it is just a phase and not a deep hole I am falling down. Third and most import forgive myself the “laziness” and start making strides by doing a few small things that make me feel like I am accomplishing stuff without tackling the really hard stuff just yet.
The first and third step are by no means easy, but they rest on my shoulders which may sound counter intuitive but means that if I don’t write this blog then I am to blame. Step 2 has proven to be the hardest of them all and that really pisses me off.
I have called over 10 psychologist/psychiatrist and I have yet to find someone who is taking on new patients or whose phone numbers are even correct. I am following the rules going through my insurance plan (which thankfully is a good one) and I have still yet to secure an appointment. WTF I can’t even imagine if I was feeling the way I feel or even worse and trying to find help and these are the results. I am not afraid for my safety, but what if I was?? It is just crazy. I feel for all those without my privileges who are trying to find their way in this mental healthcare mess. I realize their are telecom options for these types of things, but that is just not the way I can deal with this, in fact it is not how to deal with most of my life. I need the office, I need the action of going to an office, having the conversation, and leaving the office to get back home and do the homework. I realize now that I may need to change my ways and go this telecom avenue, but I am just not quite ready to do that at this point.
For now my goal is to hit my mini goals on a daily basis (check off writing for today) and keep my search going, I do get pissed off and 3 calls is my limit per day. To do list are becoming my life line and it feels good to just check off things even if they are small or tivirla to an outsider, for me right now they are huge accomplishments.
I will be back to my positive fun self soon I know it, but I am trying to get ahead of my brain before the gray days of winter really kick in and my lack of Vitamin D really starts to mess me.
If you feel this way now, or have ever felt this way. I am sorry, and hope you find a professional to get you through and realize that whatever small steps you take today to get out of bed and actually show up to something whether it be work or your family congrats! Keep it going. You are not alone and know I am up here in Mass bitching and moaning about trying to find someone to talk too, and a lot of the time the weather.