“When are you going to accept what you did as a big deal?” the Old Man asked me the day after the proof of my book came to the house.
We were on our usual morning walk talking about our day and the books needs (books are very needy) came up. The Old Man’s question got me thinking or remembering, not sure the difference in this case, of the time I dragged myself to therapy to work on some issues. I am a big fan of therapy not just for harmful issues, but even everyday crap. It is nice to talk to someone who is an outsider and get their opinion. I will admit these days I do it more with older people at bars on Saturday afternoon than trained professionals, but I usually just need an outsider's opinion not a highly skilled trained professional to guide me toward safer choices.
I got a lot of good information from my therapy so long ago. Things I say to myself to this day when I feel myself walking down that dark path. But the Old Man’s question got me thinking about something my therapist said that I had actually forgot about. Who knows what we (the therapist and I) were talking about but at one point he stops me and says “just?” do you think everyone can do insert some great feat. My answer was of course, if I can do it anyone can do it. I have never been big on being good at something. I have always just figured if I can do it everyone can, you just do it. Maybe it was because all of my parents (all 4 thank you divorce) believed in me and told me I could do stuff. I also think they told me I could do stuff so I would at least try because I was not a big fan of trying new things. So I spent all of my life being terrified to try something, trying it, doing it, in some cases doing it well by other standards, and then assuming because I did it everyone can, and not realizing it was a very big deal.
I wrote a book (well my dog did I just translated it) I am proud of myself for doing it because it took me two years and I was pretty sure I was going to give up and never finish it. So yes I am proud of myself for completing the task, and if you follow the above train of thought, now that I have done it I don’t see why it is a big deal to anyone else because if I can do it they can do too. Heck the Old Man has already written a book so it isn’t even like I am the only one in our family to do so, so again not that big of a deal.
Along with my “everyone can do it” mentality I usually keep things that are important to me or that I am scared I won’t do to myself until it is all said and done so a lot of my friends and family didn't realize I was even trying to write a book more less actually finish it. The Old Man is uber proud of me (how you know you married well) so he has been bragging about it to everyone (he is also my marketer so he kind of has too). So many people at Christmas were shocked to hear I had done this fairly large thing and they are just now hearing about it and I have seen them multiple times in the last two years. So add in my hiding aspect of big things, the fact that once they are done I don’t see them as a big deal, and my third super power of avoiding the spotlight and you have quite the interesting set up.
I want to be proud of my book, I want to think it is a big deal and bask in my 15 minutes of fame in my family and friends circle. Heck I really would kill to have it be a sleeper hit and make me tons of money, but I just can’t and that is a bit sad. I almost cried when the proof came, but it was a work day and I mid conversation with my boss so I sucked it back up and did my job. I could have cried afterwards, the conversation wasn’t that long, but nope the moment had passed and any pride or “big deal” I was going to have was gone. I have moved on, now I am stressing about having to tell the world I wrote this book and try and convince them to buy it.
Thankfully there is a bit of time before it will be available for anyone to buy, so I get to keep hiding out. I am going to use this time to try and convince myself that it is a big deal and I should be proud of doing it and not just proud I checked it off some life bucket list. I am hoping this new found pride will get me over the hiding hurdle and allow me to shout from the rooftops that I wrote a book and you should buy it RIGHT NOW!!
In full disclosure my answer to the Old Man’s question above was: “When I sell 10,001!” (one more than he sold).